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Birthdays

Today I turned thirty-seven.

Twenty years ago, when I thought about what it would be like to be in my late thirties, this sounded like “Today I will turn DEAD.” Being here, actually at DEAD, feels less like dead and more like extremely tired. I didn’t think thirty-seven would involve this much yawning.

Turning thirty-seven also means that Zuzu will turn three in a couple of months. With every baby there has been a sense that I am completely subsumed, just sucked under by the urgent boredom that is this creature that needs extremely banal things but needs them NOW and also IN THREE MINUTES and also FIVE MINUTES AFTER THAT.

This particular baby, though, has been notable in how keenly I’ve felt the process of clawing myself back to myself. Even myself at DEAD. A couple of months ago when the time came for me to rent a movie I walked past BLAM BLAM KISSING and grabbed DIALOGUE AND SOME FRENCH and it felt like a personal victory. I read a book yesterday, not because I was editing it but because I wanted to. Four hundred pages in a row in a lovely bed-and-blanket haze, with Ginny tucked against one hip.

Turning thirty-seven means the twelfth year I’ve worked this job that was supposed to get me through the summer of one.

Turning thirty-seven means Lucy would be ten.

Turning thirty-seven means I’ve known Doug more years than I have not known him. Nineteen years, since the day I walked into a college theatre audition and couldn’t figure out who the skinny loud kid was.

I am blessed in more ways than I can count, and as much as I thought I’d mind being at DEAD I feel remarkably non-depressed and remarkably ornery and happy. Thirty-seven feels a little rebellious, like I might go buy something turquoise or eat fish prepared daringly.

And holy heck, am I glad to enjoy dialogue and a little French again.

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13 Comments

  • Reply Raegan September 29, 2010 at 6:34 am

    “Four hundred pages in a row in a lovely bed-and-blanket haze, with Ginny tucked against one hip.”

    This is the finest thing in all the land. Happy birthday.
    Raegan recently posted…A Public Service AnnouncementMy Profile

  • Reply Alison September 29, 2010 at 7:55 am

    Happy Birthday! I hope you had a wonderful day.

  • Reply Jamie September 29, 2010 at 11:55 am

    Happy Birthday!

  • Reply kelly September 29, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    “King Arthur: Old woman.
    Dennis: Man.
    King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
    Dennis: I’m 37.
    King Arthur: What?
    Dennis: I’m 37. I’m not old.
    King Arthur: Well I can’t just call you “man”.
    Dennis: Well you could say “Dennis”.

    See, 37 isn’t even old at all. I found some comfort in this way back when I turned 37.
    Happy Birthday!

  • Reply Susan and Stella September 29, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    Happy Birthday Joanna! 37….thats 259 in dog years. Whoa!

  • Reply Maggie September 29, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Happy birthday, Joanna!

  • Reply kaye September 29, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    aw I missed this happy belated b-day from a girl who is about to turn 42!

    • Reply kaye September 30, 2010 at 12:07 am

      oops sorry! I never know what the day is, always a day early and a dollar short!!

  • Reply Taryn September 29, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Happy B-day Joanna! If you ask me, you are still just a baby! What I wouldn’t give for 37 year old knees and back! Hope you have a wonderful day!

  • Reply Lawren September 29, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    Happy birthday, fellow Libra!

  • Reply Kim (LittleRockstar) September 29, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Why is it that I get to be older and you get to be wiser? I must be doing it wrong.

    Happy Reading!

  • Reply Emily~ DreamEyce September 29, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    Glad being dead isn’t so bad, as I’ll be there in another 11years! Heehee I was pretty sure 25 was my “Then or never” point in life, but since I didn’t get all those things done before then, I’m glad I have more time!

    Enjoy some french, or better yet, seeabout a sitter and goingwith Doug out to a show! Enjoy being dead, asyou’ll have a lot more years of dead afte this!
    Emily~ DreamEyce recently posted…Bacon is looking for his forever homeMy Profile

  • Reply K.B. September 30, 2010 at 7:51 am

    Happy belated birthday! I hope it was a good one!!
    K.B. recently posted…Hello Is this thing onMy Profile

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